New Year’s Longread: A Behind-the-Scenes Look at Bitcoin Santa’s Workshop


The crypto-community has its own counterparts for renowned figures and phenomena. We have our personal bitcoin Jesus, our own Dillinger, and even our own Black Friday. Nevertheless, one person has remained in shadows for a while, and, of course, we talk about Bitcoin Santa Claus. Bitcoin Santa is a very busy man, especially at this time of the year, but we were fortunate to have a short talk with him.

Bitcoin Santa doesn’t want to have anything to do with Fiat Santa, so he has chosen the South Pole as his place of residence. Among other reasons behind this choice is the fact the Antarctic is beyond any jurisdictions. Here Bitcoin Santa takes advantages of harsh climatic conditions to run a giant data center for mining which he insists should be called ‘a workshop’. Al the money he earns from mining Bitcoin Santa spends on presents for crypto-folks.

“Those who played long and used full nodes will definitely get presents,” Bitcoin Santa says. “Those who committed double spends will get a CryptoLocker and a mandatory subscription for CoinTelegraph illustrations.”

Bitcoin Santa prefers to be called Crypto Claus, still for some reasons that nickname hasn’t gained  much popularity.

Just like his Fiat counterpart, Crypto Claus has a pack of reindeers with one of them making a traditional parade of his red nose. However, the nose turns red only when Bitcoin price drops. The reindeer’s name is Mark Karpeles. Crypto Santa refused to explain the origins of this name though, fearing possible legal action.

There are no elves in Bitcoin Santa’s workshop; instead, there is a team of Chinese coders.

“I am not a racist,” insists Crypto Claus.

Certainly, Bitcoin Santa receives millions of letters from all over the world.

“Here’s a letter from Ross, the U.S. of A.,” Crypto Claus explains. “Ross says he wants to go for a walk, but the adults won’t let him out. And here’s another letter from Roger Ver. He is dying to invest in my business, but there’s nothing I can do! Reindeers and Chinese coders, that’s all the business I got here.”

Fiat Santa, in his turn, is not too eager to speak about his crypto-colleague.

“I’ve been in this business for seven hundred years, and everything works out just fine. What does this geek want from me?” he murmured when reached for comments.

Indeed, Crypto Claus and Fiat Santa have very little in common.  Bitcoin Santa is young and slender, and he wears a red ?Fuck the System’ T-shirt with white fur. The only thing that gives him away as a Father Christmas is a spade beard manufactured by his Chinese subordinates.

Crypto Claus also says there’s no use in sending him letters via regular mail. Reaching Crypto Claus is possible only via blockchain. There is a certain risk involved though, since if Father Cryptmas finds out you misbehaved, he will put your name in his distributed ledger of bad girls and boys.

There is a reasonable question concerning the source of funds for building this giant data center on the southernmost edge of the planet. Bitcoin Santa refuses to name any of his investors; still, he hints that a certain big unnamed sponsor from Scotland might be involved.

You too can drop Crypto Claus a line or two via blockchain to make a wish or ask for a present. However, be aware that Bitcoin Santa’s security department is extremely efficient, and blockchain could give you away. Don’t even try to cheat him, because Bitcoin Santa is a crypto-anarchist standing for total transparency.

“CoinTelegraph illustrations!” reminds Crypto Claus, and he most certainly isn’t joking.

By Jenny Aysgarth

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