Longread: Failcoin and Proof-of-Meaningless

Cryptocurrency startup  The Center for World Domination and Alternate Topography announced it is in the process of developing their own altcoin focused on the essence of the universe. The altcoin is called Failcoin. As opposed to most other cryptocurrencies, which are mined under complex mathematical algorithms and gain value due to other manipulations, failcoin will be backed by failures of its users.

The altcoin will be based on proof-of-meaningless used to check the efficiency of a user’s failure.

The company’s spokesperson, Jane Addiction, stated that the altcoin’s testing on a dummy blockchain proved astonishing.

“Our developer got dumped, he accidentally burned his friend’s house to nothing, and, moreover, broke his glasses. He suffered like hell, but he could afford visiting the Disneyland,” the Center for World Domination and Alternate Topography stated.

Using a failcoin, however, will be not as easy as one might think at first glance. Its transactions will use proof-of-failure, which implies artificial regulation and implementation of Maestro’s infrastructure to make cross-border application as hard as possible.

Failcoin wallets will not use to encryption whatsoever. Furthermore, according to the code, address and password must be identical therein. This technology is very popular in the industry of usual fake leather wallets, and the startup doesn’t want to reject a solution which has proved itself capable of bringing nothing but dismay.

The first tokens are to be issued, but nobody knows when or where. No announcements will be made. Buying the tokens will be possible only by pure accident.

Moreover, as the number of tokens grows, their price will also increase. This methodology is provided in the altcoin’s core.

“Economic futility is the basic principle for failcoin. Or did you think that a failure-based currency would end up good?” the startup claims.

Another factor affecting failcoin will be strict regulation and ID pegging.

“Everyone wants to know what other sad bullshit has occurred to you, and you’ll get paid for that!” the startup’s representative emphasized.

Any regulatory restrictions implied on failcoin by any government entity will automatically double the harshness prior to implementation.

Converting failcoins into any digital or fiat currency will be impossible. It will be only applicable for Disneyland tickets, ice cream, and sad romantic movies. Representatives of the Disneyland, ice cream manufacturers, and Nora Ephron did not provide any comments in that relation.

“The failcoin’s basic principle is reflection of the essence of our world. It is a terrible void where all we are doomed to suffer. Our currency will only help people make money off their own misery, and help us make a career in fintech. Who cares, really. We all are gonna die anyway,” Jane Addiction says.

By Jenny Aysgarth

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